Soliloquy

 

I know there are things I need to do. I have to move on now. But his memory is still lingering in my mind. He has always been my greatest heartbreak. How could you ever make yourself forget someone you thought of having your forever?

I sat on the wooden swing in our backyard. It was the most peaceful place in my world. In times of solitude, it was comforting.
I know there are things I need to do. I have to move on now. But his memory is still lingering in my mind. He has always been my greatest heartbreak. How could you ever make yourself forget someone you thought of having your forever?
Hah! I need a reason to go on. But what would it be? There is no easy answer to it. And I’m more than afraid now.
What now? What would it be?
I took a few deep breathes to loosen up the tightening on my throat. Well, I think it is not making anything better. My throat felt like it was closing. Not letting the air in. It was suffocating.
It was excruciating.
Unbearable.

Life stuff called pain

 

“Life makes a lot of that stuff we called pain. But it is up to us on how we deal with it. If we keep running from it, we will never find true happiness that lies amidst the pain.” 

I saw him from a far. In the middle of the party, a glint in his eyes shows boredom but tries to hide it with his famous lopsided grin that shows his gorgeous not so innocent looks.

I groan inwardly as one girl flirtatiously embraces his arm.

“Are you going to be always like this, Jelyka?”

Frowning at my friend who was standing beside me sipping champagne in a tall wine glass, I took one shallow breath.

“It was so tiring.”

“Then stop watching me.” I smirked at her.

“I can’t help it. I can’t stand mingling with other people while you’re here making your night miserable.”

“I am not miserable.”

“Yes you are. Why can’t you just approach him? You’ve been wanting to do that since we get here.” A bored looked was written in her place.

“Why can’t you just mind your own business?”

“Ah!” A fake surprise look replaces the boredom. “It has a lot to do with fear.”

“Fear for what?”

It was my turn to look bored. But it was all a cover up. The truth was I am really afraid. I am afraid of what to say or how to act in front of him. I am afraid I would make a great deal of fun out of me.

“Fear of whatever would be the outcome of your actions.”

I was taken off guard. I know she can see through my masks. Marigold has always been able to look behind my cover up.

“You can always stop pretending when you’re with me. Stop putting on all of those masks you have.”

I can feel the heat of tears in the corners of my eye. And if I will not leave this place, all the hardships I have endured to build all of my cover ups would be all put into waste.

I have to leave. I have to escape. I am not ready for another showcasing of my weaknesses.

“Life makes a lot of that stuff we called pain, Jelyka. But it is up to us on how we deal with it. If we keep running from it, we will never find true happiness that lies amidst the pain.”

I know. But I can’t deal with it right now. I just can’t.

One last look towards his direction and I find myself half-running the distance out of the door. Leaving him. Leaving all of my masks behind me.

That’s what I do best ever since I got my heart broken. Running away. From him.

Lie that sets free

 

“If its lie that sets her free then I would lie a million times just to give her a good life.”

He would have tried to embrace her. Her tears make him weep too. But the hatred in her eyes is too much for him. His lie has certainly hurt her.

All he is hoping now is for her to cope up and forget him sooner. That would make his suffering lighter. Lighter. He has always wanted the best for her. Even if that doesn’t include him.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t pretend that I still love you when I really don’t.”

Pain crossed her eyes and tears started to fall.

He avoided her eyes and walked away from her.

Cowardice.

“You should have told her the truth.”

He hastily turns at his back only to see Marigold. Tears are forming in her eyes.

“There’s no need for that.”

“Why?”

“If its lie that sets her free then I would lie a million times just to give her a good life.”

She lowered her eyes and didn’t mind as the tears fell from her eyes.

“I-I…She’s badly hurt.”

He let out a deep sigh.

“I know.”

“You love her that much? You sacrificed your own happiness for her.”

“Sacrifice both our happiness. Is that what you called love?”

“The moment that you value more of others sake over yours. Yes, I think that’s love.”

“Now I’ve proven love is not really a good thing.” He smiled at her though the pain is still mirrored in his eyes.

He saw her weep more but now she tries to conceal it by turning her back on him.

“I can’t stand seeing you like this Hugo. It kills me.”

“What can I do? I’m a bitch’s son. There’s no other way I can change that.”

He can no longer stop the tears from falling. The sob that he kept trapped in his throat quickly made its way out. It was a burning sensation that if he tries to still avoid it, it will choke him to death.

Death. It seems to be an entertaining thing for him now. That would take the pain away. That would take all the tears from spilling.

He felt gentle hands wrapped in his body as Marigold embrace him tightly. “Can you forget her?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think I can, Marigold. She is all I ever wanted. She is my all in all.”

Amidst the pain, my love for her will remain. Shall remain.

For optimistic people

 

He said, ‘Love is for optimistic people.’
Well, does that make him a pessimist?
Perhaps, he’s just lying..that’s what he does best.

From across the cafeteria, I can clearly see his handsome face. Innocently young and gorgeous. He was the tallest among his friends.

Some of them are laughing. Some just sat there staring blankly, amused. It was like some hideous news has been reported to them.

I crossed the distance from where I stand to the table the men have gathered. If he noticed me, it didn’t shows in his eyes.

He was having some conversation with his buddies. They are bullying one of their friends. From what I have heard, the man is about to get married.

“That’s hell, pare! You can’t just simply say you have fallen.”

“Well, that’s what happened. I just woke up and…bang!”

“Dang it! You are really serious.” I heard him spoke at last.

“Dead serious. Get ready ‘cause you are going to be my best man.”

“Ugh! I’m getting jitters now.”

“Wait ‘til love give you the same feeling, pare. It wouldn’t be just jitters.” The man laugh.

I saw him winced.

“You got to experience love.”

Of course, I know what would be his reply. Yes. He has experienced it already way before. With me. Together they spent one summer. I waited for him to speak.

He laughed then he said, “’Love is for optimistic people.”

Roars of laughter were heard in the cafeteria that made some people glance their way.

For optimistic people? Well, does that make him a pessimist? He is not. It’s not true. He can’t be saying that. Perhaps, he’s just lying..that’s what he does best. Lies and false promises.

I know.

He had made such things to me.